Two sentences I never thought I’d write: 

Hunter Biden is launching a memecoin. It's called $LAPTOP.

Yes, that laptop. Yes, that Hunter. Yes, on purpose. 

I checked the calendar twice to make sure it wasn't April.

Today we'll cover what it is, why he did it, what it means, and why—brace yourself—you should probably steer clear.

(And, bonus: what the early money is doing instead.)

What is $LAPTOP? 

$LAPTOP is a token. One billion of them, launching tomorrow during Trump’s summit in Dallas.

Hunter’s launching it on Base, the blockchain Coinbase built. Some blame Coinbase for this. But not so fast. 

Coinbase didn't approve $LAPTOP, and it couldn't have stopped it. That's by design. 

Coinbase's own Base lead said it out loud: there's no partnership here, and there was never a gate to get past. 

On Base, you can just do things. Hunter took that to heart. 

OK… But Why? 

In case you missed the whole “LAPTOP FROM HELL” campaign (which, if so, I congratulate you)… 

The token is named after the most famous hard drive in America… the one Hunter dropped at a Delaware repair shop in 2019 and never picked up. 

It became a New York Post story, a Twitter ban, and four thousand hours of congressional testimony. It ruined several Thanksgivings. It launched several podcasts.

Now Hunter’s finally taking ownership… 

By selling it back to you.

"For six years,” the memecoin’s description reads, “Hunter Biden was a story other people told. $LAPTOP puts the narrative back in his hands." 

The actual story? He's apparently broke. 

Hunter reportedly owes around $15 million, depending on which interview you listen to. And he told Tucker Carlson he'd like to make some money. Fair enough. Everybody would.

But here's another twist I didn’t expect… 

Lost Money on TRUMP? 

Hunter is handing a free slice to the people who lost money on Trump's memecoin. 

Roughly 989,000 wallets got vaporized on $TRUMP—$3.81 billion, gone—while the insiders who got in during the first hours walked off with four billion. 

Hunter looked at that pile of bag-holders, that vast weeping congregation, and thought: let’s give them a second chance. 

Allegedly. 

Hunter Skips the Line 

A scandal used to be a debt. 

You paid it down slowly—an apology tour, a memoir nobody read, years of crawling back to relevance. Shame was the price, and it took a long time to pay off.

Hunter skipped the line.

He took the most humiliating thing with his name on it—a laptop full of drug pipes, sketchy business emails, and provocative photos—and turned it into a product. 

The debt became the asset. He's not the first man in Washington to sell his disgrace. He's just the first to skip the part where he pretends not to.

And that's where we are. 

Obviously Not. 

In case you’re wondering, I’m not touching it. 

Because we already know how this movie ends. You watched it in January 2025.

$TRUMP went vertical, then fell 96%. 

Insiders held 80% and collected fees no matter what the chart did. Retail held the bag. 

There’s a 99.99995% chance the same thing will happen with $LAPTOP. 

Because with memecoins, there are two markets. The one insiders trade, and the one you get sold. Same coin. Opposite outcome. 

The only thing standing between these two stories is what you know before everyone else.

Hunter already knows how this ends.